Thank you for buying our I*** bed “Old Sven.”

We are sure that you will have many happy hours with this product.

Now that you have unpacked the bed fully,

and removed, stomped, cut up,

and carted off the packaging,

a little at a time,

by bicycle

to the local cardboard recycling center,

waited for a week

for the bolts and nuts that were missing to arrive,

including the special screwdriver key,

that everyone has floating around somewhere in their house,

in multiples,

just that you can’t really remember where it is that you put them,

during which you slept on an airmattress,

since you paid the delivery people to put the old bed out on the sidewalk,

and it has snowed,

rained,

and two cats slept overnight on it,

Congratulations!

You now have your bed “Old Sven” put together,

and mounted-

including wires leading to the walls,

so it doesn’t fall over.

In case of an earthquake,

Last reported in Germany

in 1972.

You are now ready for Step II: Using the Bed.

  1. Take out The Manuel.

2.    Now turn to part II:

How to use a bed.

Part one:

First put on sheets, duvets, and pillows,

not included,

make sure they are in the correct “Old Sven” coordinated colors

so they match the Old Sven Duvet Covers and top sheets-

shown on p. 24 “Old Sven.”

Then:

Wait until the correct going to bed time-

it can be set to remind you on your “Old Sven” copper mechanical winding alarmclock.

All parts included.

p. 25

You are then ready for the Swedish going to bed ceremony.

First throw the Christmas tree out the window so you have enough air to breath, since you have put up three sets of Zilly book cases in your bed-sitter.

Which you are using on the holidays since a cousin has spent all his extra Christmas money finishing his appartment, and can’t pay a moving company until the first of January.

So once he is carefully locked into the back bedroom, with a special bunkbed and reading lamp, p. 31,

you are now ready to

  1. put the cat out.
  2. send your husband to the bathroom to put on the pajama set, Ilvko, he received from his mother.

You will get revenge later, from page 47.

And then it is off to bed.

At this point, it might be better to follow the sociologically correct going to bed pattern as set out in a recent study by Dr. H. Hakan, a gentleman of Finnish-Norwegian descent,

who explains it thusly:

Ladies, let your husband go to bed first.

Sleeping men produce almost as much heat as reindeer.

And since this has been,

since the dawn of time,

one of the main reasons for women getting married,

since your feet became cold about the age of 14,

wait till he is loudly snoring,

put in earplugs.

And curl up.

At this point, it might be important to mention that,

should he awake,

you will need to be sure that while constructing the bed,

you put on the extra washers

and tightened the stress-absorbing special c-shaped nuts.

Happy Dreaming.

Copyright Dunnasead.co 2015

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