And Gutenberg Lived Here: Bain, Pain, Band, And Panned.

In 1967

Pearls Before Swine

sang “Miss Morse”.

A group of boy scouts in New York

called in to protest.

They had studied Morse,

and recognized the Morse code in the lyrics.

Always be prepared.

It was band.

And banned.

And then there were the Beatles-

George dead?

John dead?

and what exactly, please, is the meaning of the Walrus?

Especially after Quinn the Inuit became so popular.

(Played backwards, or forwards, either way it is the bain of music interpreters.)

And a right royal pain in the mukluk.

And Band.

And was, in certain places, banned.

Which brings us to the question of censorship.

How often during wars was music used to send messages?

Ever hear of the war of the roses?

Or the fact that reportedly Shakespeare was a secret Catholic-

working for Henry VIII’s mother, and a Catholic printer?

And why does Ophelia go on and on about Parsley, Sage Rosemary And Thyme?

When she hadn’t ever met Simon and Garfunkle?

(Answer: It’s a code- see the meaning of flowers and herbs)

And then, of course, there is the war of the natural elements.

Almost everyone knows they have a birthstone that fits to their astrological sign.

And many carry small bags of stones to change their health.

Personally, I would say, forget the agate, just don’t eat the onions,

but there are many who believe in such things.

In fact, I was given an apatite for my last birthday.

Inexpensive, and very very beautiful.

Check them out.

Stones are fascinating as a hobby.

And then there are the fancy stones.

Like a “dearest” ring-

diamond, emerald, amethyst, ruby-

very popular in Victorian times,

and now back in fashion, apparently.

A girlfriend of mine wears one as a wedding band.

And, of course, with mothers’ day not too far off,

there is the famous bracelet-

for mothers, with each child’s birthstone,

or a bracelet for remembrances-

one each for the bride and groom.

My real favorite, though,

I recently researched stones and design,

since I married into a stone cutter family,

and the discussion at the dinner table is often about stone blemishes

that make cutting impossible,

and what a ring has to look like to correctly represent the family-

I wear a band we designed together and an uncle made-

a small (stoneless)  linked initials ring-

but then, what do I know?

I horrified them all at a family meeting with an apple seed necklace.

Which brings us back to the problem.

So what happens when your sweetie gifts you with his stone-

which, in addition to being his birth stone,

is meant to cure warts, bow legs, too large feet, a large nose?

(none of the above applicable, in the case of my better half-

just an aunt who believes in esoteric,

and giving male family members birthstone rings.)

And what then happens,

when said gifted male nephew then hand them on to unsuspecting wives.

(Hey, the stone doesn’t apply to me either…



back to the question.

What do you do…

When what you really wanted

was something in bizarre colors that flashes in time to music,

preferably made out of cheap plastic,

so it doesn’t hurt when you lose it,

or is a philosopher’s stone-

for eternal youth, and strength to go out and boogy,

or endurance to party all night?


Just make him buy you two diamonds to counteract it.

(If you look hard enough, you can surely find something in all health-improving stones

that is a good excuse for a  diamond-

just kidding, a fancy evening out will do just fine)

And what about flowers?

How many fantastic books and films hinge on the use of “Rosemary for remembrance?”

Or “Rosemary and thyme”.-

Make that time?

Hey, over here even parsley is a message bringer-

your twelve and a halfth (is that a word?) anniversary.

Either that or the lettuce in your salad is brown, and the restaurant is trying to hide it.

Bain, Pain, Band, and Banned.

See, told you so.

copyright 2017

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