And Gutenberg Lived Here: What To Do On National Kumquat And Dried Salted Tuna Day.

I admit it.

I’m the kind of person who occasionally looks at a recipe,

while looking for anything,

anything

to read

in the magazines they provide in a dentist’s office.

Then i study it carefully,

decipher the secret,

or two secret ingredients-

gee, it has condensed milk instead of milk and margarine.

Ok.

And then I register that for the next time I get tired of all the healthy soups we eat,

lentil farmhouse,

chicken with glass noodles and coriander-

anything that doesn’t cost much,

take too much time,

need to be cooked instead of microwaved,

while still not coming out of a can or packet.

You get the picture.

So what do you do when you are emptying your mailbox,

so you have room for the other two hundred people who want to sell you a condo,

in Alaska,

In January-

“high tourist time, book now”

and discover-

be still my heart-

today is national kumquat, pickle and pineapple pie day.

As agreed on by the Senators of the great state of….

(Anything to get a vote)

And so,

while madly clicking all the new candidates for the spam file,

I start fantasizing-

since today is national buttermilk biscuit day,

and I am totally fed up with leftover tofu chili with saltines,

I could…

fry a round steak,

fried chicken style,

like in all the old Irish-American survival recipes-

round steak and mash,

corned beef and cabbage…

Then you make milk gravy with the pan drippings,

pour them over the buttermilk biscuits-

and give them to the dog for breakfast,

who will work them off with the twenty kilometer walk you take,

to work off the chicken fried steak.

Or…

you can simply add a pinch of sugar,

and a few raisins,

and invite the neighbors,

or relatives

to coffee,

and impress them with your “scones.”

Hey, fair is fair.

Coffee cake over here is just pizza dough with a large dose of white sugar,

and fruit and whipped cream on top.

So you don’t really taste the crust.

And then, of course, there is the fantasy method.

Make some buttermilk biscuits.

Top them with anything you think might possibly work-

basic:

liverwurst, poached egg, half a hot dog,

add a sauce-

if catsup, mayo, and pickle is good enough for a certain parabola burger chain,

it works for me.

In a pinch it also works on salad,

as “thousand island”

Make a buttermilk biscuit sweet variation-

put them upside down in caramel sauce and walnuts,

sprinkle with cinnamon.

(hey, if you study cooking anthropology,

you will find out that almost anything called  “national cooking”

is based on a mathematical pattern:

Cajun cooking is basically a roux, for example,

no, not that you rue the day…

most of it really actually tastes pretty good-

(a roux is a flour and melted butter paste,

add water,

and lots of hot sauce,

and you have basic more or less Cajun-

don’t write letters.

I know there is a lot more to it.

Then there is German.

Take a potato.

yup, that’s it.

Take a potato.

Potato salad, hot or cold, dumplings, boiled potatoes-

from all the incredibly many types of potatoes here in Gutenberg Land-

baked potatoes only if someone is cooking “British”

Or wants to show they know what goes with “steak.”

Potato pancakes at the market in winter,

fries used to come from a small cart that came through the neighborhoods on a Sunday morning,

right before the two p.m. ice cream truck came around.

Today you mostly buy them “oven ready” in the frozen department.

Or make them yourselves in the mini-friteuses that are so popular here.

Also used for frying mars bars,

in case someone was in Scotland on vacation.

So,

in summation, students,

what can we learn from national kumquat and dried salted tuna day?

The next time you go to the store,

buy a jar of peanut butter,

and a jar of grape jelly.

And then…

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